My Story (27): Faith Testimony (1) - Lord, Use Me
(Written on March 22, 2005, and revised)

 

 

 

I am someone whose life changed completely at the age of 33 when I met Jesus. There is no end to recounting my journey, but I hope to briefly share the story of how I came to know the Lord and how my life transformed thereafter, demonstrating God’s grace in using someone as broken as a splintered stick.

 

I arrived in New York on April 12, 1981. At the time, I was working at Samsung, handling the development and export of steel pipes and wire products. After successfully expanding the U.S. market to over $100 million in sales, I was sent to the

New York office, a position that was an unprecedented privilege for an employee with no connections and relatively little seniority. I came with great expectations and excitement for what lay ahead.

 

However, the reality that awaited me was harsh. The prime interest rate soared to an unprecedented 28%, creating a severe economic recession. To make matters worse, I was involved in a major car accident soon after my arrival, leaving me with excruciating back pain and headaches that lasted over a year. During that time, I lost 20 kilograms, my body wasted away, and I was plagued by nightmares—visions of the $6 million worth of inventory stored in warehouses across the U.S. burying me alive. Although hardship had always been a close companion throughout my life, this particular season was overwhelming.

 

Born during wartime, I had grown up weak, battling malnutrition and frequent illnesses, even narrowly escaping death during my college years due to a stomach disorder. But the suffering I endured in America was on a different scale. Beyond the physical pain, the loneliness of being in a foreign land, the inhumane treatment by my superior, and the relentless grip of despair weighed heavily on me. Adding to my torment were severe insomnia and unsettling nightmares.

When I did manage to sleep, I would dream of falling endlessly into a pitch-black abyss, my life force dwindling away until I was barely clinging to existence. I would flail desperately to escape, but there was nothing to hold onto. At the time, I was an atheist, oblivious to the meaning of these dreams. Proud and self-reliant, I would arrogantly tell my wife to rely on my fists instead of her faith in Jesus. But for the first time, I felt terrified—terrified of dying. Perhaps deep down, I instinctively sensed that the abyss I saw in my dreams was hell, the eternal destination for sinners. Yet, I could find no escape from my despair.

 

My suffering extended to my family as well. How much more difficult it must have been for my wife to see her husband in such a state of despair.

One day, I received news that the wife of my largest business partner, Director Jang of Pohang Iron & Steel, had been hospitalized with leukemia. She urgently needed a platelet transfusion due to internal bleeding. The entire staff of Samsung's New York office, including those in the heavy chemicals division, went to the hospital for blood tests, but I was the only match. For two hours, I endured the arduous process of having thick needles inserted into both arms to extract platelets. Never before had I donated blood, so this experience left a deep impression on me. At the time, I thought God used me to bring life to a young woman whose life was withering away.

 

When the woman passed away, her grieving husband invited me to be the first to throw a flower into her grave, as I had been the one to donate platelets. Standing there, looking down at her in the coffin, I couldn’t help but feel a deep connection to her, almost as if part of me were lying there with her. At the burial, her church pastor delivered a sermon from 1 Corinthians 15 about the resurrection, and something miraculous happened. Though I had never read the Bible and had scoffed at the idea of life after death, I believed those words.

 

"Ah, death is not the end. Beyond death lies the resurrection."

 

On the way home from the cemetery, my wife said, "We need to prepare for our own deaths." Moved by this realization, she began attending Hanil Presbyterian Church near our home. Her faith brought her a sense of peace, but I remained stubborn, only agreeing to drive her and the children to church.

 

Then, God extended His hand of grace to me once more. During a summer vacation that year, we stayed at a Days Inn in Newport, Connecticut, known for its yacht races. In each room was a copy of the New Testament, with a note inviting guests to take it freely. As an avid reader, I picked it up and unconsciously brought it home. Struggling with insomnia, I started reading the Gospels a little each day. Gradually, a miracle unfolded. The man who had once declared, "Trust my fists, not Jesus," began to experience peace in his heart. Reading just ten minutes of Scripture calmed my mind, eased my fear of death, and put an end to the nightmares. Even more astonishing, I came to believe in Jesus as God without anyone persuading me.

 

"I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die." (John 11:25-26)

 

Although I hadn’t yet fully repented of my sins, I instinctively felt the presence of Jesus in my life. Within six months, my health improved, my headaches disappeared, and my work began to thrive. Recognized again as a capable professional, I adjusted to life in America. Unfortunately, I grew complacent and stopped reading the Bible, forgetting the struggles of the past.

 

Years later, after declining a transfer back to Korea, I remained in America and started my own business. Though it eventually succeeded, I couldn’t shake a small, persistent voice in my heart, calling me to serve the Lord. Fifteen years ago, I finally surrendered to that call and entered the Alliance Theological Seminary. Initially, my goal was simple: to understand Scripture in its original languages and preach in English. However, God, in His faithfulness, expanded my vision and led me to greater heights. Not only did He enable me to teach and pastor while pursuing a doctorate, but He also fulfilled my long-forgotten dream of becoming a professor—a dream I thought had died during my college years due to illness and hardship.

 

I don’t know the full extent of God’s plans for my life, but I’m determined not to limit His work. Each day, I strive to do my best where He has placed me and prepare for even greater dreams ahead.

 

 

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)